Outgrowing Emotional Immaturity

Many Christians assume that spiritual growth and emotional maturity naturally go hand in hand. They believe that knowing the Bible, attending church, and praying regularly will automatically develop the emotional depth and wisdom needed to navigate life well.

But in reality, spiritual knowledge does not always translate to emotional health.

Just as people grow physically from infants to adults, they also go through different stages of emotional development—and some get stuck along the way.

It is possible to be spiritually strong yet emotionally reactive, unable to handle criticism, navigate conflict well, or communicate needs in a healthy way.

Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." Spiritual growth is essential, but so is emotional growth.

So how does a person move from emotional infancy to emotional adulthood? How can someone become not just spiritually mature, but emotionally whole?

The following four stages of emotional development help clarify what it means to truly grow into emotional maturity.

Emotional Infants: Dependent and Reactive

Just as physical infants depend entirely on others for their needs, emotional infants expect others to take care of them emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.

They struggle to process their emotions on their own and often look to others to regulate their feelings.

Signs of emotional infancy:

• Struggle to take responsibility for their emotions, expecting others to make them feel better

• Have difficulty entering into the world of others, often making conversations about themselves

• Are driven by instant gratification, making decisions based on what feels good in the moment rather than what is wise

Take Lucy for example. She struggles with insecurity, and whenever she feels down, she expects her friends to boost her self-esteem. If they do not respond quickly enough or do not give her the encouragement she wants, she pulls away and isolates herself, assuming they do not care. Instead of learning to bring her worries to God, she relies entirely on others for emotional stability.

How to grow past this stage:

• Learn to self-soothe—rather than waiting for others to make things better, bring emotions before God. Psalm 62:8 reminds us, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."

• Recognise that maturity means delayed gratification—not every need has to be met immediately

• Practise listening to others rather than focusing only on personal emotions

Emotional Children: Happy When Things Go Their Way

Emotional children function well when life is comfortable, but when challenges arise, they struggle. They take offence easily, avoid difficult conversations, and react impulsively to disappointment. Rather than seeking understanding or growth, they often become defensive or withdraw when things don’t go their way.

Signs of emotional childhood:

• Unravel quickly when experiencing stress, trials, or disappointment

• Take disagreements personally, assuming others are against them

• Are easily hurt or offended by criticism

• Struggle to express their needs clearly and maturely—often withdrawing, manipulating, complaining, or becoming sarcastic instead

Michael is part of the church worship team. When his leader asks someone else to sing the main song on Sunday, he feels personally rejected. Instead of discussing his feelings, he withdraws, avoids eye contact, and becomes passive-aggressive, hoping someone will notice and ask what is wrong. Rather than recognising that God calls different people at different times, he allows insecurity to take root.

How to grow past this stage:

• Learn to separate feelings from facts—just because something feels personal does not mean it is personal. Proverbs 19:11 says, "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense."

• Instead of reacting impulsively, pause, reflect, and choose a mature response

• Practise clear, direct communication rather than withdrawing or expecting others to guess needs

Emotional Adolescents: Defensive and Self-Focused

Emotional adolescents tend to focus on their own needs and expectations in relationships. They struggle with criticism, keep score in friendships, and find conflict particularly difficult. When faced with challenges, they may either blame others, avoid the issue, or react in anger rather than engaging in healthy dialogue.

Signs of emotional adolescence:

• Are easily defensive, struggling to receive feedback or correction

• Feel threatened by criticism, seeing it as an attack rather than an opportunity to grow

• Keep score—if they give something, they expect something in return

• Struggle with conflict, often blaming, avoiding, or ignoring issues rather than dealing with them directly

• Find it hard to genuinely listen to others’ pain without making it about themselves

Jasmine always goes out of her way to help her friends. But when she needs support and they do not immediately offer it, she keeps score—reminding them how much she has done for them. Instead of expressing her needs honestly, she withdraws and becomes resentful, expecting them to notice and make it up to her. She struggles to give without expecting something in return, forgetting that true love is sacrificial.

How to grow past this stage:

• Practise receiving feedback without getting defensive—instead of reacting, pause and ask, "Is there truth in this?"Proverbs 27:6 reminds us, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy."

• Learn to give without expecting in return—true love is not transactional. 1 Corinthians 13:5 reminds us that love "does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful."

• Focus on listening to understand, rather than listening to respond

Emotional Adults: Whole, Healthy, and Secure

Emotionally mature people take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.

They do not blame others for how they feel, nor do they expect others to manage their emotions for them. Instead, they navigate relationships with wisdom, self-awareness, and grace—giving others room to be imperfect while maintaining their own boundaries.

Signs of emotional adulthood:

• Are able to ask for what they need—clearly, directly, and honestly

• Recognise, manage, and take responsibility for their own emotions

• Can state their own beliefs without being argumentative or defensive

• Respect others without needing to change them

• Give people room to make mistakes and extend grace when they fail

• Can assess their own strengths and weaknesses without insecurity

• Have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely, considering both their own perspective and others’

Daniel disagrees with a close friend about a theological issue. Instead of getting defensive or angry, he listens, expresses his perspective calmly, and respects his friend’s right to a different opinion. Even though they see things differently, their friendship remains intact because Daniel understands that love is bigger than agreement. He applies Proverbs 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

How to continue growing in emotional maturity:

• Learn to self-regulate—take ownership of emotions rather than expecting others to fix them

• Give people grace, just as God gives grace

• Practise healthy conflict resolution—speak the truth in love, rather than avoiding hard conversations

• Choose growth over comfort—embrace challenges as opportunities to mature

Emotional maturity does not happen overnight—it is a process of growth, self-awareness, and transformation.

But the good news is that God is invested in each person’s emotional health.

He desires people to:

• Respond with wisdom instead of reacting in fear

• Love others deeply while maintaining strong boundaries

• Face challenges with courage instead of avoidance

• Speak the truth in love and extend grace to those who fail

Wherever someone is on the journey, they are not stuck there. With intentional growth, self-reflection, and God’s grace, it is possible to move from emotional infancy to emotional maturity—becoming a person who not only knows God’s Word but lives it out in the way they love, lead, and relate to others.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article reflect my personal Christian beliefs and are not intended to be imposed on others. Readers are encouraged to explore their own spiritual and professional beliefs in line with their values.