How Does Attachment Style Affect Marriage?
Marriage is one of the most important relationships we can have, and the way we connect with our spouse is often shaped by our attachment style, even if we aren’t always aware of it. As a therapist, I’ve seen how understanding these attachment styles can make a real difference for couples, helping them build healthier, more connected relationships.
What is Attachment Style?
Attachment style refers to the patterns of behaviour, emotions, and expectations we develop in our early years, usually based on our relationship with our primary caregivers. These patterns influence how we form and maintain relationships as adults, including our romantic relationships. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (also called disorganised). Knowing your attachment style—and your partner’s—can help you understand how you interact in your marriage.
1. Secure Attachment and Marriage
A secure attachment style is the ideal foundation for a healthy marriage. People with this attachment style are generally comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They’re able to communicate openly, resolve conflicts in a healthy way, and support their spouse emotionally without losing their sense of self.
In therapy, I’ve seen that couples where both partners have a secure attachment tend to have stronger trust, a deeper emotional bond, and mutual respect. They’re comfortable sharing their feelings and vulnerabilities, knowing their partner will be there to support them. When problems come up, they tackle them as a team rather than assigning blame.
But even when only one partner has a secure attachment style, the relationship can still thrive with the right strategies and understanding of the other person’s attachment needs.
2. Anxious Attachment and Marriage
People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance but tend to worry that their partner will leave or disappoint them. This can show up in marriage as clinginess, jealousy, or emotional ups and downs. They may need frequent affirmation and can sometimes overthink their partner’s actions or words.
In therapy, I often work with couples where one partner has an anxious attachment style. The goal is to help them understand and manage their fears, as well as communicate their needs in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming to their spouse. The partner with anxious attachment may need to learn to self-soothe and build trust in the relationship, while their spouse can offer reassurance and consistency to ease their partner’s worries.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as regular check-ins, words of encouragement, or making time for each other. Small acts of affection can go a long way in calming the anxiety that comes from this attachment style.
3. Avoidant Attachment and Marriage
Avoidant attachment is the opposite of anxious attachment. People with this style often value independence over intimacy, and they may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. In a marriage, this can look like being emotionally distant, not sharing feelings, or avoiding difficult conversations.
When I work with avoidant individuals in therapy, the focus is often on helping them see that intimacy isn’t a threat. They care deeply about their partner but may struggle to express it, which can lead to frustration and feelings of neglect from their spouse.
Therapy helps these couples bridge that gap by encouraging the avoidant partner to open up emotionally in small, manageable ways, and teaching the other partner not to interpret the avoidant behaviour as rejection. Instead, it’s about understanding that this is their partner’s natural response to vulnerability.
4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment and Marriage
Fearful-avoidant or disorganised attachment is a mix of anxious and avoidant traits. People with this style often want intimacy but are also afraid of it, which leads to a push-pull dynamic. In a marriage, this can create instability, as the partner with this attachment style might constantly alternate between seeking closeness and withdrawing.
For couples dealing with this, therapy focuses on building trust and emotional safety. The fearful-avoidant partner may need to work through past traumas or fears, while their spouse learns to provide a stable, supportive environment. With time, this creates a space where the fearful-avoidant partner can feel safe enough to engage without feeling overwhelmed by fear.
How to Improve Your Marriage by Understanding Attachment Styles
The good news is, attachment styles aren’t set in stone. With awareness, communication, and effort, we can move towards a more secure attachment style. Here are a few steps I often recommend to couples:
Communicate Openly: Talk about your attachment styles. Understanding where each of you is coming from can reduce misunderstandings and foster empathy.
Develop Emotional Awareness: Pay attention to your triggers and emotional responses. For example, if you’re feeling anxious because your partner hasn’t responded to a message, ask yourself if this is a real issue or an old fear playing out.
Practice Vulnerability: If you tend to be avoidant, practice opening up in small ways. Share how you feel, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Create Reassuring Rituals: For anxious partners, establish regular routines that offer comfort—whether it’s a daily text, a weekly date night, or simply spending time together without distractions.
Seek Professional Support: If attachment issues are creating tension in your marriage, couples therapy can help. A therapist can guide you in understanding your attachment patterns and developing healthier ways to connect.
Your attachment style—and your partner’s—can have a big impact on your marriage, but it doesn’t have to define your relationship. With understanding, communication, and the right strategies, you can work through the challenges attachment styles might bring and create a stronger, more secure marriage.
Remember, even if you or your partner lean toward anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant styles, you can grow and evolve. With effort and support, you can cultivate a marriage that feels safe, fulfilling, and deeply connected. After all, no matter where you start, love is about learning, growing, and building something beautiful together.