Fair Fighting Rules
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters most isn’t whether we have disagreements, but how we handle them. In my work as a therapist, I’ve seen how healthy conflict resolution can bring people closer together, while unresolved arguments or poor communication can drive them apart.
The following tips aren’t about “winning” arguments but about understanding, empathy, and growth. I hope these practical rules help you build the loving, connected relationship you want.
Pause and Reflect Before diving into a disagreement, take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask yourself, "Why am I really upset?" Is it about the dirty dishes, or is it something bigger, like feeling unsupported at home? Understanding your feelings will help you stay grounded and communicate better.
Stick to the Point: When you talk about an issue, keep the focus on that issue. Avoid dragging up past problems, which can overwhelm both of you and stop the conversation from being productive. Research shows that staying on topic leads to better conflict resolution.
No Name-Calling or Insults: It’s easy to get frustrated, but calling names or using hurtful language only makes things worse. Instead of attacking your partner, focus on the problem. Keeping the conversation respectful ensures you both feel safe, even when things get heated. Mutual respect is key to a healthy relationship.
Use “I” Statements: Communicate how you feel by saying things like, “I feel hurt when…” or “I get scared when…” rather than blaming with “You never...” or “You always...” This helps take responsibility for your emotions while avoiding accusations.
Take Turns:
When one person is talking, the other should be listening—not planning their next argument! Listening without interrupting shows you care about what your partner has to say. It helps prevent misunderstandings and builds empathy, even if you don’t see eye to eye.
Don’t Stonewall:
Shutting down or walking away in the middle of a discussion can make your partner feel ignored. If you need a break, just say so, and agree on when to come back to it. This way, both of you get the space you need without leaving things unresolved.
Keep Your Cool:
Yelling only escalates things. It might feel like you’re getting your point across, but in reality, it usually intimidates or hurts the other person, which doesn’t solve the issue.
Take a Breather:
If emotions are running high, taking a short break can help. It’s okay to step away for a bit to calm down. Agree on when to come back to the conversation. Research shows that taking time to cool off can lead to clearer thinking.
Show Some Appreciation:
During or after the argument, it’s helpful to acknowledge your partner’s efforts. It might be saying something like, “Thanks for hearing me out,” or “I appreciate you trying to understand my side.” Research suggests gratitude strengthens bonds in relationships.
Look for Common Ground:
Not every disagreement has a perfect solution, and that’s okay. Sometimes, it’s about finding a compromise or just understanding each other better. The goal is not to “win” but to connect, grow, and support one another.
Be Supportive:
Even when you disagree, it’s important to show your partner that you’re on their side. Couples who stay supportive during conflicts often end up with stronger, more resilient relationships. Positive language and encouragement can make a huge difference.
At the end of the day, following these rules helps turn arguments into opportunities for connection. It’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about handling it with care, respect, and an open heart.