The Prison of Offence
We all experience hurt at some point in our lives—it's an inevitable part of being human. Maybe it was the friend who betrayed your trust, a family member who made you feel small, or a loved one who let you down when you needed them most. Sometimes, it’s even deeper—the sting of rejection, the heartache of a broken relationship, or the pain of being misunderstood. For others, it may be even more painful experiences like emotional wounds from a parent, or the scars of abuse and trauma. Whatever it is, we all carry some kind of hurt. But the question isn’t if we’ll be hurt—it’s how we choose to respond when that pain comes.
Holding onto those hurts can feel justified, but over time, it traps us. While we can’t always control the actions of others, we do have control over how we let that hurt shape us.
HURT IS INEVITABLE, BUT OFFENCE IS OPTIONAL.
In life, people will hurt us—sometimes intentionally, sometimes unknowingly. And if we’re honest, we too will hurt others at times. But it’s what we do after being hurt that determines whether we move toward healing or stay locked in bitterness.
Holding onto offence and anger weighs us down, affecting our emotional, mental, and even spiritual well-being. It’s like carrying a burden that grows heavier with time, impacting our relationships and peace.
Spiritually, the Bible calls us to forgiveness. Mark 11:25-26 (NIV) says: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Forgiveness is not just for the person who wronged us—it’s for our own peace and freedom.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” This well-known quote illustrates a powerful truth: when we harbour bitterness, we are the ones who suffer the most. By holding onto offence, we remain emotionally and spiritually stuck, unable to fully heal or move forward.
The Danger of Bitterness
Bitterness can easily take root if we allow hurt to fester. It can lead to a cycle of negative thinking, making it difficult to trust others or build healthy relationships. Over time, we may find ourselves more isolated, guarded, and disconnected from the people who matter most.
Spiritually, bitterness separates us from God’s call to live in love and grace. When we focus on what others have done to us, we can lose sight of the forgiveness we ourselves have received from God. As Timothy Keller once said, “If you can’t stop looking at your wounds and what people have done to you, it’s because you’ve stopped looking at His wounds and what He has already done for you.”
Choosing Forgiveness: A Path to Healing
Forgiveness is not always easy. It’s often a process that takes time, especially when the hurt is deep. But the choice to forgive is the key to finding freedom. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing or condoning harmful behaviour. It doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. What it does mean is that we release the hold the offence has on us, allowing ourselves to heal and move forward.
A few years ago, my husband and I went through a really tough season. We felt rejected, hurt, and misunderstood. The key word here is we. We were both carrying the weight of offence, and only we had the power to change that. So, with our wounded hearts, we took it all to God and made a commitment—not to let a root of bitterness grow in our lives.
In the pursuit of healing, we sat down with a counsellor. She helped us more than we could have imagined, offering practical steps that guided us forward. If you're feeling stuck in a similar place, I encourage you to do the same. Grab a pen and paper, and take a few moments to walk through this process for yourself. Healing starts with the decision to release what’s holding you back.
Here are some practical steps that have helped us and can help you as well:
Acknowledge the Hurt: Be honest about what happened and how it made you feel. Don’t minimise the pain or try to brush it aside. Recognising the impact of the hurt is the first step toward healing.
Reflect on the Other Person’s Perspective: Consider why the person may have acted the way they did. This doesn’t justify their actions, but it helps you see the bigger picture. Often, people act out of their own brokenness or struggles. Understanding this can soften our hearts toward them.
Release the Offence: Make the conscious choice to release the bitterness. You may need to say it aloud or in prayer: “I choose to forgive, even if I don’t feel like it right now.” Over time, your heart will begin to follow your decision.
Seek God’s Help: Pray for the strength to forgive and the wisdom to move forward. God understands the depth of our pain and invites us to lay our burdens at His feet. Trust that He will guide you through the healing process.
Practice Compassion Toward Yourself: Forgiving others doesn’t negate the pain you’ve experienced. It’s important to take care of yourself during this process. Allow yourself space to grieve, heal, and grow in grace.
The Freedom of Letting Go
Forgiveness frees us from the emotional and spiritual prison of offence. When we choose to let go of the hurt, we release ourselves from the weight of resentment. As Lewis B. Smedes once said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
This reminds me of a story about how hunters catch monkeys. They drill a hole in a coconut just large enough for the monkey’s hand to fit through. Inside, they place a piece of fruit, and when the monkey grabs it, its clenched fist can’t fit back through the hole. The monkey refuses to let go, and it stays trapped, all because it won’t release what it’s holding onto.
How many times are we just like that monkey? Trapped, not because of what someone did to us, but because we refuse to let go.
Hurt is inevitable in this life, but holding onto offence is a choice. By choosing forgiveness, you are not excusing wrongdoing, but rather freeing yourself from the emotional chains that bitterness brings. Forgiveness is the key to finding peace and healing.
If you’re feeling weighed down by past hurts, maybe it’s time to take a step toward letting go. In doing so, you’ll discover that freedom and healing were always within your reach.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article reflect my personal Christian beliefs and are not intended to be imposed on others. Readers are encouraged to explore their own spiritual and professional beliefs in line with their values.